Navigating a high conflict divorce or trying to co-parent with an ex-partner who seems dedicated to counter parenting is a challenge many single women face. In fact, there are millions of us out there just trying to survive and raise our child/ren to the best of our ability. As a single parent coming from a horrific and heartbreaking counter parenting experience, I can honestly say that my heart breaks for all of those single moms who make it look so easy pulling off daily miracles. You are a true underdog, even if society and misogyny wants us and our children to believe otherwise. It’s time to celebrate this community of strong, talented, and exceptional women who make raising a family their top priority and who kick a** as part of their scheduled daily routine.
I See You
I see you single moms. I see you juggling your schedule to get enough work hours in and still have time to connect meaningfully with your children. I see you showing up to every game, race, and recital that you can and cheering for your child with all your heart. I see you squeezing in parent-teacher conferences, IEP and 504 meetings, back-to-school nights, and more because you care so deeply about your child’s education. I see you helping with homework, getting tutors, finding therapists, and doing whatever it takes to support your child. I see you making well balanced, healthy, delicious meals and sitting down together for dinner every night. And I also know that when you make “brinner,” breakfast for dinner, you are pretending it’s fun, but really you are just trying to save some money. Eggs are cheap, after all.
I see you doing your best. You are not perfect and that’s okay. You are doing the best you can with what you know right now. But that doesn’t stop you from trying to do a little better every day. Because you care and want to be the best you can be for yourself and for your family.
They See You
Your child/ren see you as unflappable. Unwavering in your time, energy, and support. They see you tackle each problem without batting an eye. They see you taking the hits and they see you getting up again and again. They see how your friends, coworkers, and community speak highly of you. They see you serving your community with love and support. They see a flawed, but unflappable human finding a way to make it happen. For them.
They see a successful woman. A woman who works hard. A woman who believes in honesty, integrity, kindness, compassion, and service.
They see Christmas presents under the tree. They see new clothes, shoes, and school supplies each August so they are ready for the new school year. They see beautiful cakes and fun parties to celebrate their birthdays. They see chocolate fondue every Valentine’s Day to celebrate the love you have for them. They see homemade jam and cookies to make life a little sweeter. They see pancakes hot off the griddle on the weekends and amazing spreads at the holidays. They see the regularity, predictability, and consistency of it all. To them it is second nature. Expected. And you wouldn’t want it any other way.
You want them to see you, to see you as: consistent, responsible, dependable, and trustworthy. And above all, loving.
What They Don’t See
Here’s what they don’t see. They don’t see you crying in the shower because you are so tired and overwhelmed with daily life. They don’t see you crunching numbers to find a way to take them on spring break, even if it is only a road trip. They don’t see you taking all of our savings and starting a second business so you can build a better future for your family. They don’t see you checking the dating app wondering if there is ever going to be a partner out there for you who will treat you the way you deserve. They don’t see you meeting with a therapist to talk about how hard it is doing this all alone. They don’t see you mustering up the energy to get out of bed because you are so depleted both physically and emotionally.
We don’t want them to see us this way. We want to be their light. We want to be their rock. We want them to know they can count on us. No. Matter. What. And that’s what we do, we push through, we find another way, we get creative. We. Make. It. Happen.
You Are The Underdog
Society, male toxicity, and misogynistic thinking would have you believe that the put-together, successful, soccer mom, is the victor, and the deadbeat, irresponsible, and absent father is the underdog. I beg to differ.
A single mom making it look easy does not mean they aren’t underdogs. Often we’ve had to claw our way through life, making it on our own both financially and emotionally. In my journey I’ve eaten expired meat for months, I’ve been unfairly scrutinized by brokers, I’ve been turned away on business deals, and I’ve been counter parented every step of the way. We are underdogs who simply found a way to beat the system.
Is it possible that the irresponsible dad who doesn’t pay his child support, who hardly works, and who is constantly behind on his bills is the victor? What? Why? Well, because they can afford to be that irresponsible. They can choose to work as little or as much as they want. They walk through life with the confidence or apathy knowing their ex partner will shoulder the burden of raising the children. After all, it’s a woman’s job to raise the children, right? That’s what misogyny would have you think. But when we do it well and the father can’t hold a candle to us, then society makes us believe the irresponsible father is the underdog.
I see the absent father who doesn’t attend 504 meetings, go to parent-teacher conferences or open houses, forgets or refuses to take their children to practice, propped up as a victor. Again? How? Well, you may begin to start sensing a theme. It’s because a toxic father feels entitled to do whatever they like. In today’s society, men are allowed to feel validated in their selfish behavior. It’s socially accepted. The unspoken belief that the mother will work a full time job, and raise the children with little to no help is commonplace. Again, the underdog is the single mother. She is doing all she can to fight the odds and make it work.
Or how about the Disney Dad “victor” who lets his kids eat what they want, sets no boundaries around screen time, and never checks their work or grades or helps with homework. Victor? Again? Yes, again. Somehow, society makes excuses for negligent fathers like, “they don’t know how to parent,” or “they have less time so they want to make it fun.” The truth is we are both parents. We BOTH have a responsibility to raise kind, responsible, healthy human(s). Both. Of. Us. When the single mother bears the brunt of it all, child/ren believe we are not only the victor, but we are also perceived as the “bad” parent. The “annoying” parent. The “strict” parent. The “cranky” parent. And it’s a heartbreaking and lonely ride.
Here to Support You
If you are a single mother, I take my hat off to you. You are a warrior princess. You are mother earth’s nurturing energy. You embody the best qualities of the divine feminine and masculine. You beat the system that is designed to make things tough. You are the underdog, but no one can even tell. That’s how bada** you are.
But just because you find a way to pull it off doesn’t mean it isn’t exhausting, overwhelming, unfair, and infuriating. I am here to help. Whether it be one-on-one coaching, a parent happy hour session, or The Extreme Art of Self-Care workshop, I am here to support you. My dream is to build a community of single women who not only survive, but thrive. Your talent, strength, creativity, and stamina are awe inspiring to witness and I am here to remind you and encourage you to remember just how incredible you are.
So let’s build an empowered community of women; a village where we will be so much better together than we ever could be on our own. I sure do love a great underdog story.
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